The Sovereignty of "No": Setting Emotional Boundaries and choosing the Right Photographer
You want your friends and family to support you and all of your wedding decisions. (Prospect Park Picnic House)
With layoffs, side hustles and the ease of entry there are definitely more photographers in New York, but there are few who have the emotional maturity to understand what a wedding is really about. It isn’t a photoshoot for their instagram carousel to boost their own engagement. It’s not their digital content, it is a document and testament to one of the most heartfelt and memorable days of your life.
People who hire me believe it’s not meant to look like an editorial shoot or a Tik Tok trend devoid of human emotion. Whether it’s a person just starting and building their portfolio, or a 20k plus luxury photo package, you have the right to say no. You have the right to curate every detail of your wedding day, including choosing the photographer who will reflect exactly what you are creating on your wedding day.
Hopefully after the day, you'll remember the most meaningful details and have them in your photo gallery: your grandmother's sweet smile as you walk down the aisle; the funny thing your officiant said during the ceremony that made everyone laugh and was the ultimate stress reliever; and the feeling of everyone you love gathered together in one room.
A wedding is one of the few remaining rituals in modern life. Done thoughtfully, it can become more than a party. It can become a healing practice.
I've photographed weddings throughout New York, New Jersey, and the Hudson Valley for decades. The weddings that stay with me aren't necessarily the most expensive. They're the ones where couples use the occasion intentionally. Weddings can repair relationships, strengthen family bonds, honor loved ones, and create a meaningful transition into married life.
Wedding Ceremony Prospect Park Picnic House
She Said “No”
You will have so much more fun and find emotions you never knew you had if you just relax and feel the power in saying no. No to anything you don’t want at your wedding. My clients say no to overly posed and overly photoshopped pictures. They say no to extensive formal shot lists that take up too much time. They say no to artificial lighting such as a spotlight backlighting the couple on the dance floor or outside, and opt for the lighting that their venue custom curated for them. My couples want to maintain the candle lit vibe, the dappled sunlight, the streams of sun through stained glass windows, and the natural laughter and poses from their guests. They aren’t looking for perfection, they’re looking for a testament and document of their life and who they really are.
What do photographers actually give you and how can you make it an actual healing process for you and your wedding day?
The minute you hire your photographer they are your de facto wedding planner even if you have a planner. When it comes to the details, the planner will almost always defer to the photographer on timing as it relates to the photographers shot list or schedule. And when it comes to the flow of the day, it’s important that it reflects your personal needs and nourishes you and the photographer is the person who can let you know exactly what that will look like.
For instance, many planners and photographers want you to take formal pictures before the wedding ceremony or during the cocktail hour. This is a dedicated time where a large number of family and guests have to drop everything and pose for an extended photo shoot. Many photographers would just say you must get it done, but if it’s during the cocktail hour, it will cut into valuable time. so when should you do it?
(Short intermission. This wedding was elegant and intimate, exactly how the couple wanted it. They wanted a short ceremony, family meal, and beautiful formals that only this private club venue and the NYC skyline could provide.)
A seasoned photographer will listen to your needs, your boundaries.
Shorten the list. My couples love that I spend so much time with them to create a highly curated shot list that is usually more streamlined and shorter than the original list. A list that specifically reflects the least stressful and most natural flow. They may even sprinkle in mini shoots at different times of the day to make things run more smoothly.
Break up the formals, but keep it structured. For instance, instead of getting all of the pictures done in one clump, you may do closest family members before the wedding, because they are there early, and then larger groups later on, say for the first 15 minutes of the cocktail hour, and then the friends shots after dinner in the reception hall or outside after sunset. My couples often need to get some fresh air and go outside during the reception. Bringing friends for a sunset photo shoot with the couple followed by a friends shoot makes it playful and festive.
The Big Picture, The Big Day is Yours
Your marriage isn't a public utility; it's a sacred incubator for your marriage. When family dynamics start leaking into your guest list or styling choices, it's an invitation to practice personal sovereignty. Setting a boundary isn't an act of war, it's an act of clarity. And your loved ones are usually happy to navigate these details with you and respect your needs. If an invitation or a tradition feels like an obligation that drains your peace, just say no.
Boundary-setting is the foundational baseline of marital health. State your needs clearly without guilt or explanation. And start with your wedding planning.
This Brooklyn wedding at the Prospect Park Picnic House was a thousand percent natural, authentic and true to the couple. The bride said no to makeup and hair styling. The groom said no to a raucous pre-wedding bachelor party. But they said yes to true love, fun, music, family, friends, celebration, and Brooklyn! I’m so thankful I got to take pictures and video for this perfect wedding. The Shul Band and the wedding planner helped make it all happen. The couple was thrilled with the wedding and pictures and videos.
